Can’t sleep after a breakup? How to get through the nights
In the day you can keep busy. Then you lie down and it all comes back: the last conversation, what you should have said, what they are doing now. Losing sleep after a breakup is one of the most normal reactions there is. These nights do get easier, and there are ways to help yourself rest while they do.
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Why nights are the hardest part
Bedtime is quiet. There is nothing to distract you, and if you shared a bed or a routine, the gap is right there next to you. Your mind fills the silence with replays and questions.
Heartbreak also puts your body under real stress. Your heart may race, your stomach may churn and you can feel exhausted and wide awake at the same time. That is a stress response, not a sign that something is wrong with you.
What keeps you awake
Most people find the same few things come up at night:
- Replaying conversations and looking for the moment it went wrong
- Checking their social media, or your old messages
- Worrying about the future, from money and where you will live to whether you will meet someone else
- An empty or unfamiliar bed
- Drinking more to take the edge off, which breaks up sleep later in the night
Each of these keeps your mind switched on just when it needs to wind down.
Things to try tonight
Put your phone out of reach, and if you can, mute or hide their profiles for now. Each check stirs everything up again. Before bed, write down what is going round your head, all of it, then close the notebook. You can come back to it tomorrow.
Make your bed feel different. New pillowcases, a different side, a soft light or some quiet background sound can all help. In bed, breathe out for longer than you breathe in and let your shoulders drop. If you are still awake after what feels like 20 minutes, get up, sit somewhere calm in low light, and go back when you feel sleepy.
Habits that help over the next few weeks
Keep a simple routine. Get up at the same time each day, get some daylight in the morning and move your body, even just a walk. Eat proper meals, keep alcohol low and talk to people who care about you, so you are not carrying it all alone at night.
Be patient with yourself. Sleep usually improves as the shock wears off. Some nights will still be harder than others, and that is part of it too.
When to get extra help
See your GP if poor sleep has lasted 3 months or more, if you wake very early with low mood, or if you have lost interest in things and it is not lifting. Your GP can talk through support, including talking therapies. If you are struggling to cope or having dark thoughts, call Samaritans free on 116 123, day or night.
If your mind will not let go at night
If you lie there going over it all, it does not mean you are stuck or doing something wrong. Your mind is trying to make sense of a loss, and night is when it has the space to do it.
What helps is giving it a gentler way to rest. With hypnosis we quieten the replays, settle the stress in your body and help you drift into sleep feeling calmer. Many people find that as their sleep comes back, the days feel more manageable too.
I am Adam Cox, a clinical hypnotherapist with 17 years in practice and post-graduate qualifications in clinical hypnotherapy. Sleep sessions are among the most listened to on my podcast, The Hypnotist, which has been downloaded more than 20 million times.
Sleep hypnosis downloads for this
Recorded sessions from my store. Download once, keep them, and play them in bed with your phone on night mode.
Questions people ask
Why can’t I sleep after a breakup?
A breakup puts your body under stress, so your heart rate and mind stay switched on at night. The quiet of bedtime, an empty bed and replaying conversations all make it harder to switch off.
How long does insomnia last after a breakup?
For many people, sleep starts to improve as the first shock wears off, but it varies. See your GP if poor sleep has lasted 3 months or more or your mood is not lifting.
How do I stop thinking about my ex at night?
Put your phone away, mute their profiles for now, write down what is on your mind before bed and give yourself a calm wind-down. If you cannot sleep after about 20 minutes, get up for a while and try again.
When should I get help after a breakup?
See your GP if you wake very early with low mood, have lost interest in things, or poor sleep has lasted 3 months or more. If you are struggling to cope, call Samaritans on 116 123.
Can hypnosis help me sleep after a breakup?
Hypnosis is designed to quieten a busy mind and help your body relax. Many people find it helps them sleep more easily during a hard time, although results vary.
Could hypnosis help your sleep?
Take my free sleep hypnosis suitability test. Tell me what keeps you awake, try two quick hypnosis experiments and get an honest answer, with your next step.
Want help through the hard nights?
If recordings are not enough on their own, we can work on it together. Start with a £49 consultation call over Zoom. We talk through what happens at night and whether hypnotherapy is right for you, and the fee comes off your first session. If poor sleep has lasted 3 months or more, please see your GP too.
Further reading: NHS Every Mind Matters: Sleep · NHS: Low mood, sadness and depression · NHS: Insomnia